Rhianna Banana

Gossip Girl

As some of you may know, one of my good friends just went through a horrible breakup last month. I have decided to share part of the story of their breakup because I find some aspects of it unbelievable. I will change the names of everyone to preserve their anonymity. My friend will be referred to as la pana, which is Kichwa for best friend. The ex-boyfriend will be referred to as Redenbacher.

Mi pana’s ex-boyfriend’s reason for the breakup was callous and shallow. And this happened after he had jerked her around for 2 ½ years. We were all, understandably, upset with him. Then he did another mind-boggling thing: he wrote an email to all of her friends and her brother. Who does that? Here is his email, which essentially says nothing:

I simply wanted to apologize to those of you that I met through la pana. Her recent emails showed me that I didn't just hurt her, but also her family & friends.

I know my behavior lately seems strange, and it is. I seem to be even more naive & thoughtless than I knew myself to be.

Please note that I did *not* include la pana in sending this email, since I don't think it would do
her any good to hear from me...or to hear from you that I wrote you.

If you have any questions or just want to release your anger about this, feel free to respond.

Otra amiga--I sent you an email last Saturday b/c I wasn't sure la pana would tell anyone right away that we'd broken up & I wanted someone to call her often. Not that it validates my behavior, but I thought it may have gone to your junk mail so I figured I'd tell you.

Hermano--please forward this on to your mom: she is one of the main people I need to apologize to.

Thanks (not only on my behalf, because I understand if you don't want to do me any favors, but on la pana's & for all you'll do for her in the weeks & years to come). Again, I apologize--

Redenbacher

Simplemente quise pedir perdón de ellos de Uds. que conocí por la pana. Sus correos recientes me mostraron que yo no solo le hice daño a ella, pero a su familia y a sus amigos también.

Sé que mi comportamiento recientemente parece extraño, y lo es. Parezco aún más ingenuo que yo me sabía que era.

Por favor dáte cuenta que *no* incluí a la pana en mandar este correo, ya que no pienso que la haría ningún bien oír de mi...o oír de Uds. que les escribí.

Si tienen algunas preguntas o solo quieren soltar su enojo sobre este tema, por favor, háganlo por
responderme.

Otra amiga--Té mandé un correo el sábado pasado porque yo no estaba seguro que la pana le diría a nadie en seguida que hayamos terminados y quise que alguien le llamara frecuentemente. No es que esa acción le hace válido a mi comportamiento, pero pensé que tal vez el mensaje fue a tu folleto de basura (direcciónes de correo extrangeras?). Entonces, pensé que te lo diría.

Hermano --Por favor, pasa este correo a tu mamá. Ella es una de las personas principales que le tengo que más pedir perdón.

Gracias (no solo por mi parte, porque entiendo si Uds. no me quieren hacer ningún favor, pero a favor de la pana y por todo lo que harán por ella en las semanas y años que vienen). Otra vez, les pido perdón--

Redenbacher

Redenbacher translated his dumb ass message into Spanish so that all who read his email would be able to understand it. I cannot say that I was “hurt” by Redenbacher’s actions, which he was apparently concerned about. I think most of us were angry and disappointed in him. One of our friends wrote him a brilliant response (there’s some curse words in here, so stop reading if you’ll be offended):

Dear Redenbacher,
Fuck you. How dare you take it upon yourself to contact la pana's friends and family with your lame excuse for an apology which was really nothing more than an attempt to clear your own conscience. We don't care about you or how you feel - this is not about you, and, therefore, I do not accept your apology. In no way should you feel absolved of the cruel, unconscionable, inhumane way you treated someone we love very much (and, for that matter, someone who you claimed at one time to love) just because you sent this ridiculous email. You are nothing more than a chicken shit coward. You handled this situation poorly and immaturely and you should feel embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. You are 31 - GROW UP. Furthermore, you should do us all a favor and stay out of la pana's life. We all know that she is way too good for you.

Sincerely,
Amiga of la pana
PS. Don't ever contact any of us again - as far as I am concerned, you no longer exist.

We have all been doing what we can to support my friend during this tough time. My sister and I both sent her break up packages, and Sasha’s might have been better than mine because she included chocolate. I was also thinking of trying to get my mom to stand on Redenbacher's front lawn and give him the finger. Sortof like a reverse Say Anything. Then Redenbacher would have to call up my friend and say, "Um, there's this crazy little lady in front of my house and I can't make her go away."

I made my friend a break up mix, as did another friend of ours. I think my breakup mix was most excellent, although my brother disagreed strongly with some of my selections. But what does he know! My friend said it was perfect, so that's all that matters! Here’s what I included:

Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Beautiful Liar - Beyonce and Shakira
5 Years - Björk
Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
As Cool As I Am - Dar Williams
I Believe - Chris Isaak
Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette
Smile - Lily Allen
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars
Tear In Your Hand - Tori Amos
Not Today - Mary J. Blige and Eve
Walk Away - Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye - David Gray
Sometimes It Be That Way - Jewel
Heart's a Mess - Gotye
The Rain - Oran "Juice" Jones

I realize that Heart's a Mess is not a breakup song, but my friend said she liked it, so I included it. Janet pointed out that I forgot I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. That is a bad omission, but the truth is that I just don’t have that song. Let me know what you think of my mix and if I left anything crucial out! I wonder if this is the new thing to do when a friend is going through a break up: make them a breakup mix cd. I’m curious about what other songs people have included on their breakup playlists.

Alright, that is enough gossip for one post. I found the whole episode rather interesting. So much drama! I wanted to make this post like Gossip Girl, but I don’t really watch the show. I think maybe Gossip Girl includes a lot of OMG! and signs her posts like this:

XOXO

posted by Unknown @ Wednesday, July 16, 2008